Dear Boys and Girls,
I’ve been wanting to write about body image and “fat days” for a while now. I love blogging when I feel that I have a solution, when I’ve figured it all out. But the last time I waited to have all the answers, I didn’t blog for 9 months. So, here I am, with an issue that I know many people struggle with… ugh, I hate to call a spade a spade: distorted body image on proverbial “fat days.”
I texted my friend the other saying, “I’m having a fat day.” He responded, “What’s a fat day?” Are you serious, I thought? Could he be that lucky to not be plagued by that obsessive feeling of being a blob and simply put, of being just plain uncomfortable in your own skin? By the way, for the women wondering if men also have fat days, they do.
Let me get something straight before anyone protests that I’m being insensitive toward people who are legitimately overweight. You can feel beautiful in a size 12 and awful in a 2. Your actual size or body shape is less important than how you feel. Well-being is not only about size, it’s also about your emotional and psychological state. On days that I am hypercritical of my body, where I feel that things are bulging out, not firm enough, not fit or small enough, the fact that I am within a healthy weight and body fat range just does not matter. Fat days are not rational, but the emotions are real.
Last week my friend pointed out that I am looking very fit and “so small.” The comments coincided with what I was feeling that week. I patted myself on the back for clean eating and bringing intensity to my training. How could it be that just 3 days later, I was in that fat space again? Nothing I put on felt right. All I could see when I looked in the mirror was what was wrong, what needed to be smaller, tighter. Sigh.
I’m not sure what’s behind the physiological reasons for fat days. I mean, maybe on those days we are in fact retaining more water or something. But, sigh, I know that, at least for me, fat days have more to do with a feeling of not being good enough. (Okay, sometimes it sucks to be so darn transparent, but I can’t help it. Plus, I know there are many out there who can relate, so here goes!)
Earlier this week, when I was struggling with that feeling, I asked myself the question: If I were smaller or if I felt smaller, then what? I invited myself to explore those answers without judgment. I didn’t love what I discovered, but I can’t say I was surprised. The story I was creating was that if I were smaller I would be more likeable, more attractive, that I would be good enough. Good enough for who? Would a guy I’m interested in like me more because I am at 14% bodyfat versus 18%? Would my friends want to be in my company more because my waist was an inch smaller that week? The answers are obvious. I am enough. I am beautiful. I am loveable just as I am.
On days that I struggle, it helps just a tiny bit to know that the feeling is passing. On days like that, I admit it’s hard to get off the crazy spin cycle, and usually, I just have to ride it out.
However, instead of indulging in self-pity, I take care of myself by eating super clean, working out hard, drinking lots of water to flush out my system and I make an attempt to look pretty instead of staying in my sweaty workout clothes. Don’t misunderstand me, doing these things doesn’t make me feel much better at that moment, but indulging in behavior such as overeating or additional negative self-talk is destructive and could lead you down the path of becoming in fact fatter!
Instead of resolving to diet down to a size I know I can’t maintain with sanity, I know that the work to be done lies in self-acceptance and self-love. I am a work in progress, moving in the right direction. And to be honest, I’m just thankful today is not a fat day. Hallelujah!
Your friend in fitness,
Barbie Decker, PhD
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